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PART ONE

Maybe you know someone whose parents are separating?
Or maybe it’s happening in your family? It’s a confusing time.
You’re probably wondering what’s going to happen.
Upstart will help answer some of your questions. We’ll also tell you some helpful things to know, like:

• While most families stay together, it is really common for parents to separate.
 
• Most kids find that things get much easier as time goes on.

• Most kids do keep seeing the people they love, and doing the things they love doing.

• Your parents will always be your parents. They’ll always love you.
 
• Check out www.upstartMAG.co.nz for more helpful advice. 


Does this happen to many other families?

Separating happens a lot, even to families that have been together for years.
Several thousand families in New Zealand separate each year.
That means thousands of children belong to a family or whänau where the parents live apart.


Is it my fault?

No! you are not to blame when your parents separate.
The reason your parents separated has nothing to do with you.

Will it get easier?

For some kids, life gets easier as soon as their parents separate. Other kids say it takes a while.
One thing’s for sure – nearly everyone says things get better as time goes on.
Why have I got such strong feelings about this?
It’s ok if you have really strong feelings about your parents separating.
Most kids do.
Sometimes you might feel fine, and sometimes you might suddenly feel bad, like when you’re in class, or during sports, or in bed at night.
Whatever you feel is ok. Lots of kids have gone through it. Most of them felt a lot like you do and most of them say it gets a lot easier. 
    
Will I feel normal again?
 
It might take a while because there’s a lot to get used to – like having two homes or spending some time with your mum and some time with your dad.
And there may be lots of questions that you need to ask your parents to help you understand your new situation.




What if I don’t like the way my parents
behave when I’m around?

It’s natural not to like it when your parents argue in front of you. You don’t have to stick around to listen. Leave the room if you want.

• Tell your parents if you don’t like it when they’re mean
about each other in front of you.
• Tell them if you don’t like it when they ask you to give
messages to the other parent.
• Tell them if you don’t like it when they ask you about
the other parent.
• Tell them you don’t like it if they break an arrangement
with you because you feel let down. 


What if I feel pressured to take sides?
 
Say you don’t want to choose between your parents and who’s right. It’s okay to love them both.



  


Your parent may get a new partner.

This doesn’t mean that your other parent is being replaced.
Just remember that your parents will always be your parents and they will always love you.
Over time you may grow to like your parent’s new partner and that’s ok to do that.
What if my parent’s new partner has children?
It will take time to get used to other children being around.
You might feel like it’s harder for you to fi nd a quiet place.
Remember, you’re all in the same situation (they could be feeling the same way you are).
Talk to your parent about any problems.

“My brother and I were unhappy for ages about the way that our Mum’s new partner Dave treated his own children best. In the end we talked to Dad – he talked with Mum, she talked to Dave and everything got sorted out
really well” – ALANNAH


REMEMBER: Your parents will always be your parents and they will always love you.


There’s a whole mixture of feelings you might have: 
%

• You might be angry
• You might be scared
• You might be relieved
• You might be worried
• You might feel guilty
• You might even be feeling happy