Maybe you know someone whose parents are separating?
Or maybe it’s happening in your family? It’s a confusing time.
You’re probably wondering what’s going to happen.
In December/January 08 Upstart Magazine we talked about some of the feelings you may be experiencing if this is happening to your family.
And we talked about things you can do to feel better.
In this edition we want to answer some more of your questions.
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We’ll also tell you some helpful things to know , like:
- While most families stay together, it is really common for parents to separate.
- Most kids find that things get much easier as time goes on.
- Most kids do keep doing the things they love.
- Your parents will always be your parents. They’ll always love you.
- Check out some of the websites or phone one of the numbers on these pages if you need more helpful advice.
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There's a whole mixture of feelings you might have:
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- You might be angry
- You might be scared
- You might be relieved
- You might be worried
- You might feel guilty
- You might even be feeling happy
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What can i do to feel better?
Talking to other people about your feelings really helps – maybe your parents, other family or whänau members like a brother or sister, or an adult you trust, like a teacher.
If you know someone whose parents have separated, talk to them.
It’s also a really good idea to talk to people who are used to helping children in your situation.
PHONE: Kidsline 0800 KIDSLINE (0800 543 754)
What’s Up 0800 WHAT’S UP (0800 942 8787)
The people who answer the phone are really good to talk to because they’ve been trained. They know about things that can make it easier for you to deal with tough times.
Another thing that helps is doing something you love – sports, art, music, movies or just being with your friends.
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Whose job is it to look after me now?
It's still both your parents' job to make sure you're looked after.
Will i be safe?
- You have the right toalaways be safe, no matter who is looking after you.
- If you have any worries about your safety, tell an adult you trust or contact any of the organisations listed in this article.
- If you're not safe with one of your parents then you can be protected from them. It's your right to be safe all the time.
- If it's an emergency, and you feel really frightened or someone close to you is being hurt, dial 111 and ask to talk to the police.
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Will i still see all the people i care about?
You should keep seeing both your parents and your family and whanau. Keep seeing your friends too - let them know what's going on.
Who will i live with now?
Usually you'll spend time with each of your parents in their seperate homes.
If you usually stay with other family and whanau and friends some of the time, you should be able to keep doing this if you want to.
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Click here to find out...
Can I say who I want to live with?
Your parents will decide who you will live with (because you’re under 16). But you’ve always got the right to say what you want to happen.
Your parents will probably ask you what you want. If they don’t ask, then let them know what you think.
Do I have to say who I want to live with? |
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No, you have the right to say nothing if you want to. You never have to choose.
You can leave it up to your parents to make the decisions for you. But you can still let them know
how you feel and what’s important to you.
Why should I talk to my parents about where I should live?
They’re the ones whose job it is to look after you.
They’ll try and do what they think is best for you, but they might not know what you think.
The best way to make sure they do is to talk to them.
What if my parents are so busy I don’t get a chance to talk to them?
Parents get really busy sorting things out when they separate, but your feelings are important to them.
If it’s hard to get them to listen, try some different ways.
Try when it’s just the two of you – like in the car.
Ring or text them, or leave them a note on their pillow. It might be easier than talking face to face.
What if it’s hard to find the right words?
It might feel scary – but just talk! Let them know how you feel and your thoughts on what’s happening.
What kind of arrangements work?
You can come to all sorts of different arrangements which might work out best for you and your family. Here are some examples:
“I spend 10 days in a row with each parent. I keep half my things at each house. It’s hard looking after things like homework and sports gear, but I’ve got a system that works” – LANI
“I still have some of my school holidays with my grandparents and my cousins and the rest of the whänau” – RA
“I like having two homes” – RACHEL
How do we sort out the new arrangements for me?
Your parents will usually work out the arrangement that they think is best for you. They’ll do this after asking you what you want.
If they don’t ask, let them know if you want to have a say.
How can I help make the new arrangements work?
Ask your parents to let you know the plans for you and mark them on a calendar.
Mark down “days with Dad, days with Mum”, times, arrangements for holidays and arrangements for birthdays.
It helps to be organised. Ask for a special place just for you to keep your things at the different
houses you stay in.
What if one of my parents has moved away?
There are ways to keep in touch. Ask about visits in school holidays and for long weekends. You can keep in touch by telephone, by texting, on the internet or by writing letters.
It’s a very hard time for everyone in a family when parents decide to separate.
After they separate your parents might still be arguing about what’s going to happen – things
like where you’re going to live.
Many times parents can’t agree on the best way of caring for you and the Family Court is there to help.
You won’t have to go to the court yourself, but what happens there is about you.
So it’s going to help if you understand what’s going on.
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They solve problems
The Family Court have people who are there to help your parents have another go at sorting out what should happen. They’re called ‘counsellors’ and ‘mediators’.
If that doesn’t work, a Family Court Judge will listen to what everyone says and then they’ll decide what’s best for you.
Kids can have a say too…
The Family Court makes sure kids have a say about what happens next.
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You may have your own lawyer to talk for you. This lawyer is called the Lawyer for the Child.
The lawyer’s job is to make sure that things work out for you in the best way possible.
Your lawyer will talk to you and find out what you want to happen. Then they’ll let the Judge know.
When you meet your lawyer they’ll explain what’s happening, ask you questions and answer your questions.
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When your parents separate it can be a really tough time.
You have all sorts of feelings and worries, and you might be confused about what’s going to happen to your family.
Sometimes it’s hard to get help and to talk to people about what’s going on – even your best friends may not understand what you’re going through.
Other kids talk… There’s a really helpful DVD called Kids Talk About Separation.
On the DVD other kids talk about their feelings, new living arrangements, dealing with worries, and how to ask for help.
The DVD also includes information on the Family Court.
The kids interviewed on the DVD have all been through family separation so they know what it is like and have lots of useful ideas and information to help you get through tough times.
You can get a free copy of the DVD from the Ministry of Justice.
Just email
publications@justice.govt.nz or freephone
0800 587 847 and ask for a copy of Kids Talk About Separation.
Click here to read Part One of What Happens To Us If Our Parents Seperate
